#1
9 months later from S.A.P.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack'smini van and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady whoanswered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge houseall to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid theneighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.""Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And ifthe weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settledin for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later,Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a fewminutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from theattorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember thatgood-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday upNorth about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob."Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to thehouse and pay her a visit?""Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out."I have to admit that I did.""And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your na me?"Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?""She just died and left me everything."(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keepthat smile for the rest of the day.
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#2
FOUL LANGUAGE from B.D.W.

Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says.........."I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.; you know.....Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says.........."I'm a D.I.N.K.Y; you know.....Double Income, No Kids, Yet."
The third guy says.........."I'm a R.U.B; you know.....Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her......."What are you?" She replies......"I'm a WIFE; you know.....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

#3 THE SIX AFFAIRS From the other R.S.

The First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" The Second Affair There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!" The Third Affair A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" The Fourth Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." The Fifth Affair A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business." The Sixth Affair Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no I must die in peace, Becky I I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

Daily Dose for Wednesday 2/22/06

from R.R.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse."So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)I know I'm not going to understand women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINARWhile attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?He answers, " You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?""Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about whoshould brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving eachother the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

From S.C.

Still in Love After 77 Valentine's Days
--------------------
By Associated Press
February 15 2006, 7:42 AM EST
SALEM, Ore. -- Fred Landis has a Valentine's Day ritual. Sometime, somewhere, he'll lean over to his wife, Gwen, and say, "I love you." They say he's been doing that on Valentine's Days since 1928, when they were married.
In October, Fred, 102, and Gwen, 101, celebrated their 77th wedding anniversary, and they are not far shy of a record. The longest current marriage, according to the 2006 edition of Guinness World Records, is 78 years, 296 days.
On Valentine's Day 2006, Fred will say "I love you" a bit louder than he used to because Gwen is hard of hearing. Fred has macular degeneration, which has kept him from writing poetry for her.
Gwen says Fred wrote poems to her during their courtship, a gesture that may have won her heart.
"I think that had something to do with it," she said with a shy smile.
They met in 1924 as college students, he at Albany College and she at Simpson Bible College in Seattle. Fred attended a church where Gwen's father was the pastor. When they were married, Gwen's father performed the ceremony.
Gwen remembers receiving $800 for a wedding gift, then losing it all in the stock-market crash the following year.
The Landises spent the next four decades working in ministry and raising four children. Fred was the pastor at several small churches in the Northwest. Gwen played the piano and organ and taught Sunday school.
He retired in 1970, and they have lived in Salem since then. They moved to a retirement center in 1994.
"They're just wonderful people. You couldn't find any better," says a friend, Dorothea McAuley. "They're setting an example for everybody. They're always happy. I've never seen one of them angry. They're God's example."
Commitment is the word Gwen uses to describe their marriage success. Fred agrees.
"Sure, we've had squabbles and disagreements galore," he said. "But there's a commitment to marriage because we have a reverence to it."
They have eight grandchildren and 19 great-grandchildren.
Son John, 67, says he continues to be amazed by his parents, their relationship and their lives.
"I think -- I know -- they would not have lived this long singly," John says. "They keep each other going."

From S.A.P.

Life-Negative Phrase What We Should Say

1. That was a horrible experience. 1. That was a challenging event.
2. I will never recover 2. I will recover.
3. I don’t have enough time, money or energy 3. There is always enough time, money and energy.
4. I can’t do it, and I give up 4. I can do it, and I will give it my all.
5. I’m not good enough. 5. I am good enough and am able.
6. What’s the use of trying? 6. I’ll keep at it till I get it right.
7. Life is not worth living. 7. I am grateful for my every blessing.
8. It can’t be done. 8. It can be done.
9. Life is full of problems. 9. Life is full of adventures.
10. The boss won’t like your idea. 10. The boss would love a new idea.
11. There is no way to make money in today’s world 11. There is always room for another good idea & great business.
12. I’m just a loser 12. God loves me, so I must be good.

Even written in Itatian, I knew it wasn't a sucess :-(

I was a little scared when I heard Whitney was singing at the Winter Games, I mean given her last performance on BET where she couldn't even talk I was like unless she had a throat transplant there was no way she was gonna sound good: I took this off of a Canadian newspaper site, Sadly I was right... PS the picture from my first post was my first birthday July 29th 1976!! I thought it was appropriate - first post, first birthday - Get it?

Houston, abbiamo una problema!
Our tailor in Turin offers constructive criticism of Whitney's Olympic concert
Shinan Govani, National PostPublished: Tuesday, February 21, 2006
To Torino now, where the irrepressible Tu Ly -- the tip-top tailor to the Canadian Olympic athletes -- is my man on the ground!
Tu, who collaborated with HBC on all those winter-cool duds, has been in Italy of late starring in his own version of Project Runway, which consists, apparently, of flirting with speed skaters, providing fashion advice to curlers ("So, Tu, shirt tucked in or not?") and being a sort of all-purpose sartorial St. John's Ambulance for Canada's medal-seekers!
Of course, he's been having some fun, too -- and on Sunday he even went to a concert in a piazza with that pop flashback Whitney Houston! From there, he BlackBerried me the latest.
"Nowhere close to a gold medal performance, nor even a bronze contender," he pithily proclaimed.
"The Queen is back," was how Whitney was apparently introduced by the Italian host, but according to Tu, it was "a tragic event from the moment she stepped onto the outdoor stage." First off, there was the outfit: Even though there were reports that the diva would be wearing a Russian fur for her anticipated Olympic one-off, it looked to our eyewitness as more "faux synthetic" than "pelle lux." And with it, she had on a cream turtleneck and ill-fitting white nylon pants.
Asks our Tu: "Don't you just hate it when apres-ski whites don't match?"
So, about the singing. Starting off with Greatest Love of All, Whitney "coughed, sniffled and talked her way through the song." She motioned a cough attack and, struggling, asked the audience, "Why did they choose to do this outdoors? I don't sing in the cold. It makes my voice funny," and then made the international hand-gesture for "crazy."
From there, it was on to her massive '80s hit, I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me). Tu's verdict? "Flat, and far from inspiring for anyone to actually dance." Midway, he says, "Whitney introduced her brother Gary Houston to take over so she could do a 'costume change'. He looked surprised and performed a soul track, while wearing a Sean John velour track suit."
Then? Well, "Whitney reappears in a quilted zip jacket and fur military cap." An outfit that, according to our expert, was "marginally improved, but still resembles the quality of H&M." She then thanked and kissed husband Bobby Brown for "loving me and taking me here to the Winter Olympics." Cue the gospel.
Finally, the singer belted out her all-time hit, I Will Always Love You, which quickly became "her all-time low moment during the two-bit concert." Unable to reach the high notes, Tu notes, "Whitney smiled, waved and winked to the fans. Karaoke drag queens can belt it out better! She knelt and bowed her head at the finale to thin applause."
"Bobby," he wraps up, "held her hand and led Whitney backstage. The crowd roared and Ms. Houston rushed out for that quintessential encore, I'm Every Woman." see pic here http://legossip.blogspot.com/2006/02/whitney-sings.html

I have a blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yipppeeeee!!!!!! I'm rich BITCH!!!!!!!! It's on, like popcorn now!!!! After these messages we'll be right back.....